Who will take Europe? III - The Secret of the ooze

Here it is, the grand finale in the Pulitzer prize winning "Who will take Europe?" trilogy. Going more than 3 episodes would be disastrous. Trying to fill space with interesting ideas and clever plot twists never works for more than 3. Before you know it you have tired ideas, boring scripts, and Aliens coming back to get there plastic looking skull. There will not be a 4th.

We now continue where we last left off. Earthfactor had exposed Africa's continent claimers, and turned its light towards the continent of Australia. Australia successfully tried a unique type of continent claiming, which we in the United States call ....Lying. Ly-ing: Making someone believe something that isn't true. Australians have promoted a lie that their island is a continent. (Fact: Australia is smaller than the United States, and has 1/10th the population.) Australians knew they didn't have enough population or resources to take over a real continent. So they cleverly decepted all into believing that they already were a continent.

Australia made up the word and is now known as an island continent. I don't care what words you make up, your still an island! Just by saying something exists doesn't make it true. The term "island continent" is proven as a lie just by examining the words "island" and "continent". How can you have an island that is a continent, those words don't even make sense together. It needs to be classified with other word lies that make no sense together, like "Mexican Insurance" or the "capable wife".

(Fact: There is no Mexican word for "insurance") Don't believe me? Next time your at home, turn your T.V. to Telemundo and watch the commercials. Eventually you'll see a commercial that says something like "mucho mas grande, es un coche especialmente, compra insurance." Notice it didn't say insurancamente, or insurancio, just insurance. They have to use the English word because its used so infrequently, they didn't even see the need to make up a word for it. But back to Australia. You may have fooled the rest of the world, but Earthfactor is on to you and will continue in its work to declassify you as a continent. Don't believe us? Look at what we did to Pluto.

Moving on to our final continent, and the title of this trilogy, who will take Europe? Europe has proven to be the hardest continent to control. No one nation or race can call themselves European exclusively. Many nations have tried, and have failed miserably. Think that these nations just don't know what their doing? Think that you could do a better job yourself?

Do me a favor and the next time your playing Risk, just try to take all of Europe, I dare you. And I guarantee you as soon as you get close, some idiot is going to attack you from the Middle East and ruin everything. You had a pact, and they are too stupid to honor that, now both of you are going to lose. Now when you turn in your cards, instead of fortifying your borders, you're going to unleash a crusade so horrifying, it will take them back to the stone age. Didn't they notice all those armies you had sitting on Ukraine? Of course, your now unfortified continent of Europe will be ransacked by invaders from all sides, pillaging your once great world power until your stuck with your one sorry isolated country of Irkutsk.

So who will take Europe? Spaniards? Of course not. They are just European Mexicans, much like the zebras mentioned in an earlier expose by Earthfactor. France? Ha ha ha ha, just kidding. But seriously, Britain? They tried already and failed. They just don't have the population to take over a continent so high in demand. To successfully take over Europe, an overpopulated country would have to be in such terrible shape financially, plagued with so much disease, poverty, and hunger that it would have nothing to lose by the attempt. And nobody would want to attack you, because your country is so disgusting. I'm looking at you India. If they're successful, great, you just got yourself a continent. And if unsuccessful, you've just solved your overpopulation problem. Win, Win.

In conclusion, if there is one piece of truth you can use, one thing to keep in mind from this whole trilogy, always remember, my ex wife is now fat.