The Unbreakable Comb

I guess if you are looking for a silver lining in the credit freeze and spiraling economy, it's that consumers are now alot less likely to purchase all the useless crap that is ceaselessly peddled on TV and on the Web. In decades past, there was seemingly no end to the worthless garbage that American's in particular were willing to spend their hard earn duckets on. It's a subject that has always fascinated me, even as far back as a young boy.

I can remember time spent in the local barber shop, as early as the age of 6. With nothing to do while Ray( owner of Ray's barber shop), would hack away at my toe-headed mane with nothing but an electric razor. I staved off my fear of certain injury by staring intently at the varied hair care products that sat dormant and dusty on the shelves directly in my line of sight.

"Do not move your head", seemed to be Ray's constant mantra, and so I would alternate my gaze from the large spray bottle filled with a mysterious blue liquid, and a tattered cardboard display holding a variety of combs, all boldly embossed with the word-"UNBREAKABLE". Even as a 6yr old, I could not for the life of me understand why anyone would need an "UNBREAKABLE" comb. Granted it was the 80's, and Aqua Net was being applied by many in such liberal ammounts, that one could sustain a direct hit to the melon with a Nolan Ryan 2 seamer without any significant injury, but still, UNBREAKABLE? I tried to imagine grooming situations that would surpass the thresholds of a normal comb, and thus facillitate the need for a super comb, but my young mind drew a blank. I wondered who was responsible for creating the "UNBREAKABLE " comb, and what that conversation must have sounded like...

"I'll be down in a minute Jim, I just have to finish combing my.....what the? Dang it! Not again!!
Jim, do you have anymore combs? I just shattered my third one this week?"

"Crimony Nora, I told you to be careful! That's the last one, and with the cutbacks they're making at the plastics factory, I can't afford to keep replacing all these combs.! Wait a minute... with your knowledge of the comb's inherent weaknesses, and my access to military grade resins..."

"It's crazy Jim, but it just might work."

I am pretty sure it went something like that. I still maintain however, that if you require an "UNBREAKABLE" comb to manage your headsuit, then you have larger hygiene issues that need to be addressed.

I'm getting a little sidetracked, but my point is, Americans will buy anything. How else do you explain the Chia Pet, Mighty Putty, and the Pontiac Aztek? And don't get me started on the Snuggie. Are people really not aware that it's just a robe put on backwards? And I don't care if it is super comfy, You look ridiculous trolling around the house while wearing an oversized blanket with sleeves. And really, do we have to sacrifice every last remaining shred of our dignity on the altar of comfort? If so, then why stop there? How about suit's made of micro fiber terry cloth, and bean bag dining room chairs? I swear, Mentos could market and sell a new breath mint suppository and people would buy it. All you need is a catchy phrase like-"freshens breath from the inside out", and a commercial showing several exasperated people choking on traditional mints, and complaining of tired jaws from gum chewing. No need to back the product up with sound scientific data, just have the commercial show a green holographic silhouette of a human, arms outstretched to the side, feet shoulder width apart, with an intense pulsating red glow emanating from the point of said suppositories entry, up through the intestines, esophagus, and out through the mouth. Have a has been celebrity like Steve Guttenberg to do the voice over work, and mark my words, sales would be brisk- particularly amongst the french demographic.

I honestly don't know what is worse, the products that are advertised, or the advertisements themselves. I know my fellow blogger Manbearpig had already directed Earthfactor's intense beacon of truth squarely at the ad gurus at CKE Inc., and rightfully so, but I don't even think they are the worst offenders. Seriously, is there anyone more in need of a quick hard blow to the face than Billy Mays? Honestly Bill, what is your deal? Are you always this loud? Are you really that one dimensional? You need to mix it up a little, friend. Steven Seagal thinks you lack range. And I know you're convinced that raising your voice is a fool proof tactic for getting people to do what you want, but It doesn't work, and I set out this morning to prove just that.

After abruptly waking my wife from slumber, I stripped off my clothes, breathed deeply to summon a rich, and resonant tone, and loudly exclaimed-"Get over here and break yourself off a piece of this! And after we're done...some flapjacks would be amazing." I was brutally rebuffed. consider that theory debunked.

And what about the ridiculous racial stereotyping that goes on in McDonald's ads? I know you want to target the African American consumer, but do you have to be so obvious? (i.e. " Damn Tamika, this McRib is bangin' yo..") If I was a black man I would be offended. Actually, that's not exactly correct. If I was a black man, I'd be spending so much time shopping for products that had the word 'MAGNUM' stamped on them, finally giving my wife valid reason to use my name and the word 'ample' in the same sentance, and striking a Captain Morgan-like pose in the gym locker room while i slowly and deliberately towel off, that I probably wouldn't even notice the blatant profiling. But my point is still valid.

I guess we can't go back and undo the past, but we can choose to be more intelligent consumers from this point forward. Money is much harder to come by these days, So, let's try not to blow it on anymore stupid stuff. Now if you will excuse me, It smells like somethings burning on my George Foreman Grill...